


Without you (I'm just cold)

by heartsocold



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Breaking Up & Making Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Morgana (Merlin), Uther Pendragon's A+ Parenting (Merlin), mostly happy that is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28106457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsocold/pseuds/heartsocold
Summary: So now, he was stuck nursing his eggnog near the fireplace because he was so fucking cold without Arthur and his stupid arms and sweet smile to keep him warm.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 122





	Without you (I'm just cold)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlexSun2004](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexSun2004/gifts).



> Happy Belated Birthday Alex! 
> 
> You're one of the nicest people I've met online and one of the few people I consider a friend via twitter. I appreciate you so much. I hope you enjoy this fic. I know it's not exactly what you had in mind but it's definitely a break up & make up fic! Love you.

Arthur doesn’t remember the first time he met Merlin. They’ve been running in circles for years. He can’t remember if the first time they met was at a party or a pub night. Maybe they had seen each other on the campus of their university or in the corridor of the boys’ dorms. 

He doesn’t remember when Merlin went from a stranger to his best friend. What he does remember is the way Merlin had looked at him - his face a mixture of shock and anticipation as their drunken friends had dared them to kiss under a mistletoe bunch, even though they were under the impression that Arthur was straight. 

Arthur remembers the feeling of Merlin’s lips on his as their friends’ laughter faded into the background. He remembers the way it made his body flush, his skin tingling as his heart raced.

He remembers when he pulled back, he had gotten lost in how impossibly blue Merlin’s eyes had seemed. He remembers getting lost in them like a ship on the sea.

He remembers walking down the corridor of his sister’s house only for Merlin’s hand to shoot out of his sister’s guest room and wrap around his forearm, pulling him in easily.

He remembers Merlin’s body pressing against him, lips soft against him as the wood of the door pressed into his back.

He remembers the soft skin under his fingers. He remembers the lights reflecting on the sharp edges of Merlin’s cheekbones.

He remembers hearing Merlin moan his name. He remembers seeing him smile and thinking that he had never seen a more beautiful sight. 

He remembers hovering over Merlin who was spread out under him, the moonlight making him look ethereal. 

He knows that was the night he fell in love with him.

He knows that was the beginning of the end. He knew it then too. They both did.

Arthur was never as brave as Merlin was. 

Merlin was unapologetic about who he was. He was proud of who he loved. 

Arthur was terrified of what his father would think; about what he would do.

From the time he was born, his life was mapped out. He would go to the best schools and get the best marks then he would work for his father. Eventually he would marry the daughter of one of his father’s business associates - someone who was well-bred and came from a wealthy background - and he would start a family with her. He would inherit the family company when his father decided to step down and then he would pass it down to his son. The Pendragon dynasty would live on that way.

Nowhere in that plan did it say that Arthur was allowed to fall in love with a man who grew up on a farm in the countryside who decided to become a doctor dedicated to helping those who couldn’t afford medical attention but direly needed it.

And yet, he did. 

He did and even as he felt himself falling faster and deeper, he knew that he would have to break his own heart. 

He and Merlin started seeing each other in secret, their attraction too strong to ignore. 

They lived together under the guise of roommates and in the safety of their flat, they lived a life of their own, together in a bubble.

Arthur’s very own safe haven. He knew it wouldn’t last forever. He just didn’t think the end would’ve been like this.

Uther had been breathing down his neck lately about his relationship status. He wanted to know when Arthur was going to find someone and get serious about them but Arthur refused to give an answer.

“Work keeps me busy, Father. I don’t have the time to go out and find myself someone,” He had said dismissively, unable to say that the time he didn’t spend working was spent wrapped up in his boyfriend.

“I see, very well then,” His father had hummed and he thought that was the end of that.

He should’ve known better.

His father had invited him round for dinner, only to introduce Mithian Gedref to him.

Mithian was a gorgeous girl. She came from an extremely affluent background. Her manners were impeccable and she could hold her own in a conversation. She was smart, witty and charming. She would undoubtedly make a good wife.

If Arthur hadn’t already given his heart to Merlin, she would’ve been exactly his type - a fact which his father clearly knew as he announced that they were to publicly court for a few months before they announced their engagement. 

If Arthur had been a better man - a braver man - he would’ve argued. He would’ve told his father that he was spoken for. He would’ve told his father that the only person he wanted to spend his life with was Merlin.

But he wasn’t. His sister was right - for all his arrogance and bravado, deep down he was a sad, pathetic little boy who desperately craved the love and approval of his father.

He had spent his entire life striving to make his father proud. He needed it. He needed to be someone his father approved of, someone his father would be proud to have as a son. 

He also needed Merlin and he didn’t know how to balance the both. He didn’t think that he could.

He had gone home to Merlin that night, foolishly thinking that there was something that could be done - something they could do so that he could have both his father and Merlin. 

There wasn’t.

-

“What did your father want?” Merlin asks as they’re lounging on the couch together. His head is resting on Arthur’s shoulder, his arm wrapped around Arthur’s torso and his legs curled beneath him.

Arthur mutes the television, tightening his arm around Merlin. 

“He wanted to introduce me to someone. Her name’s Mitian. She’s Odin’s daughter and he wants me to publicly court her and then he wants to announce our engagement in a few months.”

“And you’re going to do it?” Merlin queries, his words slow and measured.

“I have to. I won’t marry her but I’ll need time to convince him that I’m not ready for marriage. Until then, I’ll do what I have to and then we could say that we didn’t want the same things and we broke it off amicably.”

Merlin rips himself out of Arthur’s grasp and his hand falls onto the sofa. He sits up warily as Merlin stands, facing him with blazing eyes. 

“Okay. Let’s assume this hairbrained plan of yours works. What about after that? What are you going to do the next time he introduces you to a woman? You won’t be able to put off marriage forever Arthur, you’re already twenty-six. You know as well as I do that your father expects you to be settled down by thirty with a family.”

“I know that but I’ll figure something out. Right now, Mithian is the issue we’re dealing with and we’ll deal with the other women when the time comes.”

“Do you hear yourself? You’ve no idea where you’re going, do you? Where we’re going?” Merlin cries, his expression tumultuous. 

“I just- I don’t like to think about it, okay?” Arthur’s jaw clenches. “Let’s just live in the now, yeah?”

“No,” Merlin’s voice is hard. He swallows roughly and when he speaks, his voice is small and sad. “I can’t keep doing this, Arthur. I thought I could but I can’t.”

“Doing what, Merlin?” Even as he says the words, Arthur knows the answer. He can feel it in the fissures of his heart.

“This,” Merlin gestures between them then drops his hands to his sides. “Us. I-”

“You knew it would be like this. You knew what you were getting into,” Arthur reminds him, hating himself as he sees Merlin’s eyes gloss over.

“I know. I thought I could do it. I was - I was in love. I was blind and I thought that it didn’t matter. I thought that nothing mattered except being with you but that’s not true, is it?” He smiles sadly, reaching out to cup Arthur’s face in his hands.

His smile wobbles and Arthur closes his eyes, pressing his face into Merlin’s palm as he swallows around the lump in this throat.

“You can’t have us both, love, you can’t. If it were up to me, you would but it’s not.”

“He’ll disown me,” Arthur grits out, voice rough. “He’ll disown me and I’ll lose the only parent I ever had and I can’t Merlin- I can’t.”

Merlin nods, hearing the pain in Arthur’s voice. He hates Uther for treating his son the way he does. Arthur loves his father, more than maybe anything. He always has. Merlin knows for a fact that losing him would kill him.

“I know. Arthur, you know we can’t keep going like this. One day, you’ll have to get married and have children and when that happens, what’s going to happen to us? You’re not a cheater and I can’t be someone’s side piece. I won’t, even if it’s yours.”

They’re both crying now. 

“Merlin, please,” Arthur begs but he isn’t sure what he’s asking for.

“I love you, Arthur Pendragon. I love you and I always will.”

“No, Merlin, I love you, please-” Arthur’s face crumples, head shaking back and forth as he cuts himself off with a sob.

Merlin can’t feel anything past the pain in his chest, the feeling of absolute heartbreak constricting him.

Even now, he can’t bring himself to hate Arthur. He wants to. He thinks it’d be easier if he could call him a coward and blame it all on him but he understands. He’s seen what kind of power Uther holds over his son, he’s seen firsthand the type of pain he’s capable of bestowing on him.

Merlin doesn’t know if he’d be able to choose between Arthur and his mother either. 

He bends forward, pressing a kiss to Arthur’s lips. They kiss desperately and all he can taste is salt and heartbreak. He pulls back but before he can move, Arthur grabs his wrist.

“It’s December,” He blurts, his eyes wide.

Merlin gapes at him in confusion.

“It’s almost December which means it’s almost winter. You’re always so cold, who’s going to keep you warm Merlin? You can’t go. You can’t,” He argues and Merlin’s legs give out. 

He falls to his knees, pressing his face into Arthur’s lap as he sobs, his entire body shaking. Arthur pulls him up onto the couch and wraps himself around him.

“You can’t,” He insists and they stay wrapped in each other until their tears give out and Morpheus sucks them into her arms.

When Arthur wakes the next morning, the flat is empty and there’s a note on the coffee table under a glass of water and two paracetamol. 

He feels himself go numb and he swallows the tablets and drinks the water, already knowing what they note will say.

_ “Dear Arthur, _

_ I have to leave, you know that as well as I do. I should’ve left a long time ago; maybe we shouldn’t have started in the first place. I was selfish and so were you but I wouldn’t change it if I could. I’ve spent the last few years being loved by you and it’s something I will always cherish. I know that I’m breaking both our hearts by leaving the warmest bed I’ve ever known but if I don’t go, then you lose your father. I won’t make you choose between us, love, I won’t. I don’t blame you for not being able to choose. I know how much he means to you and I can’t hate you for loving your father. I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you. I hope she’ll never be able to realize just how much love you are capable of. I hope your life turns out the way you wanted it to. Maybe in the next life... _

_ I love you, Arthur, now and forever. I’ll never forget you or us.  _

_ Love,  _

_ Merlin.” _

-

The weeks leading up to Christmas have been the hardest weeks of Arthur’s life thus far and he knows it’s about to get worse.

Shopping for Christmas gifts has always been something he and Merlin did together, even before they started dating. He was terrible at getting gifts for people apparently.

_ “You can’t just give everyone an expensive gift and think that they’ll like it, you insensitive prat! It’s Christmas, you’re meant to give people gifts that mean something.” _

So naturally, Merlin used to tag along and help him pick out gifts that everyone would love. The only gifts he’s ever bought all alone were for his father and Merlin. 

His father either got some brand of whiskey that had been cured for an insane amount of time, or some ridiculously expensive watch or pen.

He used to spend weeks searching for the perfect gift for Merlin and it was always worth it when he saw the way Merlin’s face lit up as he tore the paper away. 

The fact that he won’t get to see that look of unbridled affection makes him want to cancel the entire holiday season and retreat into his room but he can’t because Morgana is forcing him to attend her usual Christmas Eve party which means he has to buy gifts.

He doesn’t want to go but his father is coming this year which means he has to because they’re a family and they should celebrate Christmas together. He might have to get drunk before he even walks through the door in order to survive the evening. It’s too soon. He and Merlin had gotten together at that party a few years prior, how was he meant to go back to it a few weeks after their break up and act like nothing had happened?

That his entire world hadn’t been cast into a never-ending storm?

In the end, he sends his personal assistant to purchase everyone’s gifts but he resolves to wrap them himself.

He’s terrible at it so hopefully that’ll make it seem more personal.

After he’s wrapped everyone’s gifts and has them placed in the empty corner where the Christmas tree usually is, he contemplates whether to wrap the gifts he’s bought Merlin.

Every time he’d seen a nice scarf or sweater or gloves or coat, he’d gone into the store and bought it without a thought. It’s only when he had gotten home to an empty flat that he remembered he didn’t have to buy Merlin clothes to keep him warm. He hadn’t had the heart to return them or give them to anyone else though.

He figures Merlin won’t show up since he isn’t obligated to so maybe he could just slip the package under Morgana’s tree and she’ll give it to him.

Deciding that was the best solution, he carefully bundles the separate articles of clothing together and then meticulously wraps them as one gift. It’s the best wrapped gift of the entire bunch.

He sticks on a label, writing Merlin’s name under the ‘To:’ section but he doesn’t write who it’s from. 

Feeling mentally and physically exhausted, he drags himself off to bed, wondering idly if the world would end before the party starts. If he would be that lucky.

-

Merlin does not want to be here. He should not be here. He should be anywhere else in the goddamn world except at Morgana’s fucking Christmas party but she and Gwen had teamed up to make him come and he couldn’t even go back home because his mother and his uncle Gaius were on some stupid “Christmas in the Caribbean” cruise.

He hated them all.

So now, he was stuck nursing his eggnog near the fireplace because he was so fucking cold without Arthur and his stupid arms and sweet smile to keep him warm. 

He could barely even pay attention to whatever Gwen was saying because all he could think about was the fact that three years ago, he and Arthur had kissed and then had sex and then gotten together in this very house and now they were nothing.

All he could think about was if Arthur was going to show up with Mithian on his arm or if by this time next year he’d be married. 

“Still cold, mate?” Gwaine laughs, clapping Merlin on his back to pull him out of his thoughts and then pulling at his scarf.

“Fuck off,” He mutters with as much cheer as he could, stepping even closer to the fire. Everyone else in the room had abandoned their coats and scarves and gloves, claiming it was a comfortable temperature. 

Merlin had shed his coat and gloves but he was dressed in a thick sweater and he kept the scarf wrapped around his neck because he didn’t agree with them.

He had bad circulation. Or an iron deficiency. 

“You know, for a doctor, you’re a terrible patient. Shouldn’t you be able to fix that?” Gwaine continues. 

_ “Come on, you idiot. I’ll keep you warm whenever you’re cold and then I won’t have to hear you complain about those iron supplements ever again. It’s a win-win situation really.” _

“Merlin, come on, what’s going on with you?” Gwaine asks seriously, making Merlin realize he’s zoned out, yet again.

“We’re worried about you,” Gwen adds and he furrows his brows at them.

“Why? I’m just a bit cold, it’s not that big of a deal.”

They exchange a look. 

“We know something’s happened alright? You’ve been really sad these past few weeks. Merlin, we know you’ve been in some sort of secret relationship okay? Did it end badly, is that it?” She continues, her voice gentle and soothing.

“What? Why would you think that?” Merlin stutters out, his mind reeling. They had been so careful. How could they know?

“You’ve been really happy, is all. Not that you were unhappy, really, it’s just that you haven’t complained about being single in a really long time nor have you even looked another bloke’s way. We figured that you had been seeing someone but you weren’t ready to come out with it, which is fine, but then you’ve been in a right funk these past few weeks and you usually love Christmas so we assumed something happened. We were trying to give you your space but-”

“We hate seeing you like this,” Gwaine finishes for her. “You’re not meant to be sad Merls, it’s like watching a kicked puppy. Tell us what happened and we’ll see if we can fix it, yeah?”

Merlin doesn’t know what to say to that but his chest aches and there’s a lump in his throat and a pinching sensation behind his eyes.

Thankfully, before he can answer, Morgana walks into the room, demanding that they exchange gifts now since not everyone is staying until midnight. 

Merlin’s blood freezes in his veins as he realizes Morgana is dragging Arthur into the room behind her. 

Arthur jerks to a stop as his eyes land on Merlin and they both stare at each other for a long while before they’re forced to sit on the floor in a circle. 

Morgana reaches under her tree and Percival helps her dump all the gifts into a pile in the centre of the circle. 

“Okay, let’s open Arthur’s gifts first because the wrapping is horrendous and I don’t want to look at it for longer than I have to,” Morgana orders and Arthur rolls his eyes.

“Just for that, I’m putting coals in your stocking next year.”

“Yes, yes, I hear you. Now what did you get me?” Morgana dismisses him, tearing gracefully at the red paper to reveal a new dress, its fabric covered in black sequins. She holds it up, taking note of the cut outs at the hip. 

“Well done. I’ll wear this for New Year’s,” She kisses him on his cheek and he gives her a half smile, making her frown at him in worry.

He’s been sullen for weeks and she can’t figure out why.

Soon enough, it’s Merlin’s turn to open his gift. He slowly peels back the paper to see an assortment of clothing staring at him. He feels the soft fabric of the blue sweater, the exact shade of Arthur’s eyes. There’s a red scarf and black gloves along with a navy blue trench coat. 

The lump in his throat never really went away and now it’s bursting out of him in a sob and the tears come unbidden and he presses a hand to his mouth to try to suppress it but he can’t because Arthur bought him these things so that he’d keep warm even without him and it hurts so much and he can’t. 

He staggers to his feet, looking up in time to see Arthur’s gaze on him, his face stricken as his own eyes glaze over and it’s too much. He needs to leave. 

He ignores his friends’ calls and stumbles into the corridor only to be stopped when a hand catches his own. He crashes into a warm, solid chest that’s so familiar and he clings onto him, tucking his face into the crook of Arthur’s neck as he cries.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you,” Arthur comforts, his arms holding Merlin tight enough to bruise but right now he doesn’t care because for the first time all winter, he isn’t cold. 

“Arthur,” Merlin croaks, pulling back enough to look at the man he loves.

Arthur says nothing. He takes in Merlin’s features for a moment before he shoots forward, pulling him into a kiss. 

Merlin can feel eyes on him and he knows that Arthur can too but he can’t find it in himself to care. Not right now. 

“I choose you,” Arthur says softly. “I’ll talk to my father but whatever happens Merlin, I choose you. I’ve lived without you and I don’t think I can do that ever again. So I want to be with you, consequences be damned, if you’ll still have me? I know I’ve messed up and I should’ve-”

Merlin cuts him off with another kiss. “Of course I’ll have you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted Arthur. Now and forever, remember?”

The front door opens and with it comes a gust of cold air. Merlin shivers and Arthur pulls him closer, pressing his forehead to Merlin’s and nuzzling his nose with his. Merlin smiles softly and Arthur puckers his lip, brushing it slightly against Merlin’s but not going any further.

“Arthur?” Uther’s voice booms and they both jump at the unexpected sound, turning in time to see him glaring at them with Odin and Mithian behind him. “What is the meaning of this?”

Merlin makes to step away from Arthur like he’s used to doing but Arthur holds firm and refuses to let him go.

“Father, this is Merlin. He’s been my boyfriend for the past three years and we’ve been friends for even longer. I love him and I intend to spend the rest of my life with him,” Arthur says proudly and Merlin squeezes him in support as he feels his pulse spike.

“Absolutely not. I don’t know what game you’re playing here but no son of mine will be gay. I forbid it,” Uther thunders and a lesser man would have been cowering by now.

Arthur squares his shoulders. “I’m bisexual, actually, and I’m not asking permission. I’m simply telling you the facts, something that I should have done a long time ago.”

“Is that so?” Uther sneers. “Let me make something clear to you then. If you refuse to put an end to this and make amends with Miss Gedref, then you will no longer be my son. That means an end to your career at Pendragon Inc. I will cut you out of my will and publicly, as well as legally, disown you. Are you really ready to throw away your life’s work and your very own family for this boy?”

Arthur swallows thickly, blinking furiously as he stares at the man before him. “I’ve spent my entire life trying to make you proud, trying to be the man you wanted me to be. You are my father, the only parent I’ve got and I wanted so badly for you to love me - to accept me - that I almost lost the best part of me. I wish things were different but I won’t live a lie to please you anymore. I won’t. I am your son, your blood and if you can’t accept that Merlin is the person I love - the person that loves me, unconditionally for all that I am - then so be it.”

Merlin knows Arthur’s heart is breaking but he can’t help but feel proud of him for standing up to his father. He’s sure he’s never loved him more than he does in that moment.

“Very well then. You should leave. Christmas is meant to be celebrated with family after all,” Uther says, moving to brush past them only to be stopped by Morgana.

“Actually, Uther,” She seethes, “You’ll be the one leaving. If you think that you can disown Arthur for being in love with a man and still be welcome in my house, you’re more deranged than I thought.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You heard me. Get the fuck out of my house and don’t even think of coming near my brother again unless it’s to apologize and beg for his forgiveness. As of right now, you have a grand total of zero children. Congratulations.”

Uther fumes, his face turning red and the vein on his forehead threatens to burst. He doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to send one scathing glare Merlin’s way before he leaves the house, Odin right behind him. Mithian smiles at them, her eyes raking appreciatively over Morgana.

“Mithian! We’re leaving!” Her father yells. 

“I think I’d rather stay,” She calls back calmly, tilting her head Morgana’s way. “If that’s alright with you, of course?”

“More than alright,” Morgana smirks and Arthur’s eyebrows shoot into his hairline as he and Merlin share a look.

The door slams and Morgana turns to the couple and all of their friends start shouting at once.

“Three years? Three fucking years?”

“Arthur? How could you not tell me?”

“How did you keep that a secret? How did we not see the signs?”

“Oh shut up, will you?” Morgana interjects.

“They’ll explain everything from start to finish, don’t worry but it’s almost Christmas and tonight has been eventful so I think we should all just focus on enjoying ourselves hmm? Gwen, Elyan, don’t you have to leave soon?”

Their group of friends reluctantly agree to give them some breathing room and Arthur smiles gratefully at Morgana who steps forward to hug him.

“I’m proud of you. You did the right thing,” She says and he squeezes her tightly before he lets go and she grabs Mithian’s hand, leading her back into the living room.

“Are you okay?” Merlin asks quietly, kissing Arthur’s knuckles as he holds onto his hand.

“I will be,” He smiles, knowing it’s the truth as long as Merlin’s by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> I might end up writing a part two to this sometime. Might.


End file.
